Wow... a whole year went by, obviously blogging isn't a strong suit of mine but I am learning that in this MAJOR transition not everything I need to say is appropriate in the form of a facebook post... so here goes nothing...!
As I'm sure anyone who reads this blog knows I am pregnant, a pregnancy I hoped and dreamed for, and to be pregnant with my first daughter...it just feels so beautiful. So I have found myself wondering a lot lately, why am I not happier? why don't I have that glow that most pregnant woman have? how selfish am I for complaining about a blessing that a lot of woman will never get the opportunity to have? Now I know these are all "normal" emotions a pregnant woman goes through, but I still can't help but feel I need to be better. I haven't had the opportunity to speak with many pregnant woman which I guess is my own dang fault but I can't help wondering if I am alone in this??? Am I the only person to count down the weeks until she can GET OUT OF MY BODY! (in the most loving ways possible of course). I guess you could call this post a rant, I'd prefer to call it a release... I'd like to meet another pregnant woman who doesn't slather me with her warm and fuzzies about being pregnant and tells me she hasn't slept in months... because YA'LL... I HAVENT!!! So here goes the things I wish I could scream but will instead write down, for all 2 people who havent given up hope on me returning the blogging...
- This little girl inside of me is full of spunk and LEGS! yes my daughter will be just as tall if not taller then me poor thing...and inside my body those legs are not happy..I can tell they don't fit like she wants them too anymore and poor thing is stuck trying to figure out how to stay in the breech position with all those legs which leads me to my least favorite pregnant experience..
- I refer to this as my dead rib...the left one has been numb since month 6, ALL her ultrasounds show her in the same position, head IN MY RIB, ouch!
- Has anyone had pregnancy insomnia? As a girl who loves to sleep I think this is just CRUEL!! And if one more person tells me too "sleep while I can"...but then there are the nights I do get a few hours of sleep, they are full of dreams...zombie babies...dead babies...babies ripping out of my body...puppy babies...occasionally I get the old "attacked by an escaped bear" dream...which i never thought would be a relief, but it is..
-And lastly the reason I felt the need to post a rant today...good ole Working while pregnant... I figured I would hate it more then normal ( I HATE my job if anyone was wondering) but what I didn't expect was that I was going to lose my brain...literally its mush...mushy mush full of confusing stares and disciplinary action from my boss who apparently doesn't remember what its like working while being 8 months pregnant... I have worked there 2 years with a perfect record but now that I am 9 weeks from having a child I am in trouble...like all the time?? something seems fishy here...
Anyways now I must remind you all that this pregnancy is beautiful to me, I do see the goodness, I see the gift that I am able to create life and start a family with my sweet husband....I truly know little girl is meant to be in our family and I will forever cherish this experience, fortuantley they say you forget all the torture and want another one all over again... I do admit to forgetting about my first and second trimester of morning sickness from time to time so I have faith that this too shall pass...all too quickly I am sure....
I could never sleep either, especially at the end. Go back and read my posts if you don't remember. ;) I had the need to vent at times as well. You're a good sport, and have been through a heck of a lot! I know everyone and their dog tells you this but I promise you they're worth it. And when you look back the time will have seemed to have flown by. Every day when I wake up and go get Boston out of his crib, and I see this little mini Andrew with bits of me, smiling at me. All I can think about it that he is worth everything in the world. I love you. Pray for strength. :)
ReplyDeleteKimmy,
ReplyDeleteDon't worry! You're normal! I totally understand. COMPLETELY!! While pregnant with LaNea, she was permanently squished in my right rib. I was in such a habit of pushing her down that for a few weeks after she was born, I still found my hand pushing that rib down out of habit.
I would love to say that those feelings of ingratitude go away with time, but I don't know if they really do. I tend to feel guilty every time I get tired of dealing with LaNea's questions knowing that others would do anything to be in my shoes. But I promise that those feelings will only make you a better mother and it doesn't mean that you're a bad mother.
I actually hate pregnancies. I hate getting fat and the whole year following. I can't breastfeed for more than the four months because I feel ugly. If you think people are all warm and fuzzy about pregnancies, just wait to hear them talk about breastfeeding! :)
Just remember that its okay to feel however you feel. You'll be so happy when she gets here and you actually get to know her better. The majority of women want the baby out ASAP!! Don't feel alone. There's lots of us out there who don't love the whole "magical" process but love the results enough to keep trying it out.
And, keep praying for those who haven't had the opportunity. Its the only thing we can do. :)
Good Luck!
Oh thank you so much Jill!! Your so sweet :)
DeleteP.S So happy you blogged. :) So proud of you. lol.
ReplyDeletethanks cami!! I am going to try and post more... I need someone to explain how I put pictures in this thing... I like blogs with pictures :)
DeleteI would definitely say you're having normal feelings, as well. Magazines, blogs, Facebook, etc. can make it seem like everyone is loving their pregnancies and that everything is bliss. Well, most people leave out a lot of their negative feelings in such places. Pregnancy is hard! (as is parenting...sorry, should I not say that? :)) It's wonderful in ways and extremely hard in others. Every pregnancy is different, each woman, each baby. Having a baby in a weird position, especially breech with a head in your rib, could not possibly be pleasant. Nobody expects you to think that's fabulous, because it's not. You can be real with yourself, realizing the pros and cons of this pregnancy. You had wise words, This too shall pass. Just endure the best you can and soon it'll be a memory and you'll have passed that rite that now you can give advice to future pregnant women. :)
ReplyDeleteI think we might be due right around the same time. August 13th is our EDD, though I'm not expecting a baby until the end of August (both of my girls were 42+ weeks). Hang in there and try to count your blessings, even if you can only think of ONE! :) It might make the hard times feel a teensy bit easier.
Thanks for the great advice! Yes I need to stay positive which is my goal for the next few months until the REAL adventure begins :) I didn't even know you were expecting!! We have a scheduled induction (due to me being on blood thinners) so unless she decides to come earlier which we hope she does NOT she will be born August 20th :)
DeleteKimmy I'm so glad that you posted! I was wondering when you would. Blogging is a nice release at times. Its like a journal, only everyone gets to read it. Like Mike Birbiglia says "My Secret Public Journal"
ReplyDeleteSweetie I'm glad your having this experience, and that you get to be a mommy! I am jealous, I never said I wasn't; but I'm so happy too. I hope you know that. I really hope you know that this baby is a miracle to us all, and I'm going to spoil her rotten. So its probably a good thing I live so far away.
I want everything that's good and great for you and your family. Life is hard, and baby's aren't easy, but you love it anyway. I love you so much, and I know your going to be fantastic. How do I know? Because your my sister and you've always taken care of me when I've needed it.
Good luck my dear, and post more often!